Why women are scared to orgasm?

Have you ever had that feeling during sex when you are completely at the peak of your sensual experience during sex and yet, there is something that prevents you from completely letting go and diving into the abyss? 

IS IT NORMAL?
Yes, it absolutely is normal.  In fact, everyone has problems in this arena at some point in life. And everything we go through, we are not “unique” and we are not the only ones suffering. We are all normal like that.

It’s very normal to have difficulties with orgasm when you are just starting out in the sexual arena.  And even later in life too. It’s a completely new territory and it takes some time to be so completely open to new sensations and perceptions. Especially if you have not been sexually active or have not masturbated much.

There are two scenarios:

I noticed the following commonalities in the questions about orgasm: the average age is between 18-24 years. You are in a new relationship less than a year old. 

Enjoying sex with their boyfriends and yet worried that they can’t achieve an orgasm while enjoying intimacy and sex. 
If that’s you, keep reading because your problem is not really a problem.  All you need is time and more foreplay.

As you become more comfortable with your sexuality and your partner, and let go of the performance pressure and anxiety to please your boyfriend, you will feel more relaxed and secure.

Instead of re-assuring him of his sexual prowess, focus on yourself and your pleasure. Spend time exploring your body and focus on being present in the moment.

Scenario 1 
She is unable to let herself go with her man.  When the sensations become too intense, she asks him to stop.  

She can’t fully relax in the presence of another even if she says she feels comfortable and relaxed with him. There is an element of self-consciousness.  

Scenario 2 
She can’t achieve orgasm by herself because she is afraid to let go and she can’t let go together with the partner either but she is getting pretty close each time.  That’s more to do with your beliefs and unconscious programming.

Scenario 3

This scenario is a bit different because the lady in question has had orgasm but every time she has it, she feels sad, depressed and not joyful at all. Which is why she might unconsciously try and block it. But it’s a bit of a different case so I will write a separate post for that.

Below are general recommendations that will work for anyone.

RELAX AND TAKE YOUR TIME

Gurls! You think you have a problem not able to have an orgasm 4 months into a relationship?  Some ladies have not had it for years. Particularly, if you are after vaginal orgasm.

If you have just started your sexual life, give your body some time.  It’s like a practice. Your nerve endings of the vagina need to get used to it. There will be another article about it. Because nerve endings are like sleeping beauty.
Learn relaxation techniques and practice them regularly.  For instance, meditation has been proven to improve orgasm and sensual experience in women after 8 weeks of practice.  Why is it good? Because you learn to be present.

Worrying and being frustrated that you have not experienced orgasm, is only pushing it back.  Don’t try and will yourself into this. Take more time and grow in intimacy and don’t rush.  

TAKE AMPLE TIME TO DISCOVER WHAT TURNS YOU ON

Quit focusing on achieving orgasm and focus instead on feeling various sensuous feelings and pleasure in general from touch, smell, taste and other sensory lushness.

Some of the advice I’ve seen

  1. Try it in the dark so you don’t feel so self-conscious or tie a cover around HIS eyes so he doesn’t see you come.
  2. Try it a little bit drunk so that you are more relaxed and the controlling mind is less severe.
  3. Try it like a marathon, with an act of curiosity.
  4. Try it like a research scientist and a novelty seeking explorer what is behind that tension? Like with a sense of curiosity…

Why would number 1 work?

Laugh all you want but if you are close to orgasm and you stop yourself it gotta be with feeling out of control and wanting to save your face. 

O-face can be quite weird, and perhaps you are afraid that during orgasm, when you “lose control”, you may present yourself in a weird way?

BEING VULNERABLE AND BASICALLY YOURSELF IN FRONT OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

Embarassment may come from not wanting to look like a semi-deranged psycho thrashing around in the throes of orgasm that the movies portray sex and orgasm like so dramatically…

Remember this scene from “Amelie”? French have more fun because they don’t care.  

Orgasmic contractions are actually seizures. Physiologically they follow the same pattern.  

How you think you look during sex is not important.  Women need to understand that.  Because men are so excited to be having sex, to be in bed with you that they don’t care. 

If you want to take a bold step into the unknown, instead of covering his eyes, do the opposite. 

Pleasure yourself in front of your partner, the way you would if you were alone. Then you can ask him to pleasure you in the same way. The idea is becoming used to someone else being there and observing you. Opening up to the intimacy of another human being watching you in your vulnerable moment. 

USE PROTECTION 

Make sure you use protection so that you are not worried about getting pregnant and worrying that you need to “control” your partner just in case he loses control…

It might be an indication of a larger need for control and not trusting your man to do his job.  This is prevalent not only in sex.  Some women tell me

JOURNAL YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS 

You may feel comfortable with YOUR guy but I suggest, do some digging around about “trust” and “men” in general.  Because even if your boyfriend is super awesome and the love is real… he still belongs to the “Men” category. If your mom or dad used to say “men are dogs” and “don’t trust men”, it will affect your comfort level with men in general, and your man in particular.

Journal and discover your secret fears or worries of what might happen if you experience orgasm in front of your man…

The subconscious mind is a wondrous thing and it can be some weird thought that got stuck in the head somewhere about  “only experiencing orgasm with your one true love.” 

Only by truly digging around in your thoughts and feelings about having orgasm in front of your guy and losing control, you might be able to let go some of that need to be super vigilant.  

Use all of the above advice and also journal about what do you think orgasm is and what do you feel will happen and see if there are any fears and beliefs how it’s similar to dying or losing control.

In 7 Factors Affecting Orgasm in Women by Dr.Robert Firestone,

I find the last two points the most poignant.  

Fear of loss of control: Women who rely heavily upon maintaining control as a self-protective defense mechanism are prone to be resistive to a freely expressive sexual encounter. This can show up in an overall fear of losing control or in more specific fears, such as fears of making noise or moving, or even fears of urinating or defecating when letting go. Control is related to existential issues of life and death. 

Faced with issues of death anxiety, people tend to detach themselves from their animal nature and disconnect from a body that they know is mortal. This dissociation can inhibit feeling pleasurable responses in the here and now interaction during sex.

I would also ask the following:

  1. Do you drink alcohol or any mind-altering drugs or do you avoid them for the fear of losing control?
  2. Do you tend to overthink and to overanalyse certain situations?
  3. Do you know how to relax? 
  4. Do you trust your partner? Do you trust men in general?
  5. What were your mothers and grandmothers views about men? 
  6. Do you have BIG EGO? Are you proud and quite arrogant? 
  7. Are you afraid of death and dying? Or on the scale of 1 to 10, how badly are you afraid of dying? 
  8. What do you think orgasm is and what it is not?  
  9. What are your views on pleasure and receiving pleasure in general? 

What’s the worst that might happen? 

In any case, for all the women out there, think about the following questions and how they might impact your sex life?  Actually take out a notebook and write the answers down preferably as fast as you can so that the controlling logical part doesn’t have time to analyse and interfere and you get the real gist from your body.

Pay attention to your feelings. 

All I am saying is don’t rush into faking orgasms because it’s a slippery slope from there.  Don’t rob yourself of the orgasmic experience and don’t rub your partner from seeing you truly enjoy yourself instead of faking it for the fear of hurting his pride.  Men are wonderful and resilient and they will wait for as long as you need. Just don’t lie for the sake of their pride.  

To your pleasure, 

Lira


How to stop comparing yourself to another woman?

How to stop comparing yourself?

This is a big question for a lot of ladies.

We may compare ourselves when we are younger and haven’t developed a good self-esteem.

We may compare ourselves to the ex-girlfriends that our partners dated and feel insecure about that connection.

Another comparison-itis case comes up when we are jealous or envious of someone’s life. Something perhaps we consider unattainable for ourselves in personal or professional life.

But the worst one is the woman who came between you when you are married or in a stable long-term relationship.

Say, your partner cheated on you and you’ve since made up but you can’t stop comparing yourself to another lady. You are wondering what was it about her that attracted your partner.

When feelings such as envy, jealousy come up it means you don’t accept a very strong part of yourself. And also it means you are not on your side. You are playing against yourself.

No amount of talking yourself out of it about how she is not perfect and probably snores at night, or any other idea that you try and use to help yourself feel better, will help you get over this feeling.

You look at this lady, and you feel all those nasty emotions.

You are comparing and usually, in your fantasy, she is winning.

This is very unpleasant.

The more you compare the more you feel like you are not good enough.

There are two things to consider.

At that moment of comparison you are rejecting a very strong part of yourself.

Perhaps you haven’t allowed yourself to experience that sort of feeling or that sort of power or characteristic and now this part signals to you because it wants to come alive and to be set free.

It’s probably time to do that.

So the first thing that is important to think about when stuff like this comes up:

  • What am I not allowing myself to experience in my life?
  • Who am I not allowing myself to be?
  • What is it that I don’t allow myself to do?

There are various cool techniques that I share in my course which you can use to work through the feelings and thoughts that come up when you start honestly answering these questions.

In this way, you will start connecting, meeting that side of you that was previously suppressed, barricaded and that had no permission to live.

When you use these questions and allow those parts to revive in yourself, you will feel novelty entering your life and a sense of gratitude to those women instead of jealousy or envy.

Being cheated can become a massive move towards renewing yourself and creating a new reality.

If you are ready to discover the power of your sexuality and the new life that is available to you, sign up for the upcoming course “The Power of Your Sexuality.”

“I felt a lot of guilt and shame around sex”

Female sexuality has been frowned upon until 1950s (well, in the Western society). Female desire was considered a pathology and “hysteria” was the cause for having women committed to psych wards, mistreated and sedated with pills.

Whole Freudian approach of psychoanalysis is based on analyzing suppressed desire which was causing a lot of health issues and mental health issues for men and women back in the day. And it still does.

Sexual energy is so strong, it cannot be suppressed. But once it’s explored with a sense of curiosity and acceptance, it can give you amazing power and energy.

So it’s totally okay that it raises so many questions, and kudos to cool people out there who are open to talk about it.

Empowering video for younger women out there. Ashley is my new favourite blogger/youtuber and I was excited to find this video of her talking about sex. It’s super useful for younger women I think.

Below is a list of points/beliefs/fears I found really interesting or never heard before, and it’s useful for me to know because I could do a better job creating content:

  • masturbation was discussed in sex ed classes but only with boys
  • “i felt a lot of shame about masturbation in high school and felt dirty about it afterwards” (like one of my clients said, “everybody masturbates, but not everybody talks about it.”)
  • stretch out the vagina if you put fingers in there and that would decrease your value (vagina’s ability to stretch are phenomenal actually. it can accomodate penis of any size really. and when you are in a long term relationship with one man, your vagina will actually adapt to your partner’s penis (cool fact, huh?)
  • tumblr was a good way to get into porn, female-friendly porn
  • i never liked how dicks look
  • female orgasms are elusive and mysterious (yeah, it does take work for women to develop orgasms but they are not that elusive. if you want to know more about orgasms and how to have one, you can sign up for my upcoming course where I teach a special technique of self-massage that literally trains your vagina to be more sensitive and more orgasmic).

If you are feeling alone and insecure in your thoughts about yourself, your sexuality and what’s normal and what’s not, it’s an awesome video.

But also, remember that there is no such thing as purely normal when it comes to you and your sexuality. It’s all very individual.

As long as your sex is consensual, you are enjoying it, yourself, your partner, and nobody is hurt in the end, you are normal!

I will write a bit more about deviant sexual behaviour but that’s just so you know how to judge how normal something is or not.

Stop waiting for another to make a first step

In this day and age, we are waiting to be inspired, waiting to be sexed, wooed, swept off the feet.
If you want your life to be a fairy tale, you might have to do the sweeping off the feet yourself.

I read the story the other day of a woman who has planned the whole date from beginning to an end, the romantic night complete with dinner, limousine, movie and a walk in the park. She just wanted to see what it’s like for a guy. What does it take to plan a romantic date like that? And she waited under immense pressure for the guy’s reaction. Well, thank God, he did react. He said that it was the best night of his life, and nobody has ever done anything like that for him and he also cried!

I am currently reading “Overdeliver” by Brian Kurtz. He said that he was always the one reaching out first to his friends. And even though sometimes he sort of wonders if they even care, he still does it and they still have a lot of fun.

You like someone? Take the first step. Be a leader.

It is scary and vulnerable and intensely overwhelming. However, in the end, if we don’t gamble – we don’t get to drink champagne. This is Russian quote. I think it comes from the Royal Army and its officers who used to be gamblers and invented the concept of Russian roulette. But they had fun and they had some interesting stories to tell at the end of the day.

Risk is a noble thing.

An important question you can ask yourself that will immediately give you an insight into why you don’t have what you want

I have learned this amazing and simple method from my mentor.

This is very easy yet extremely powerful.

Please, do it right now.

Think of the problem you have right now.

For instance, you have no money, you don’t have a loving partnership.

Your sex life is like Ferrari…non-existent (jk).

You don’t know how to attract clients even though you work hard.

Now…

Close your eyes. And imagine yourself!

See yourself in your inner screen standing in front of you.

And now ask yourself this IMPORTANT QUESTION.

“DO I WANT TO GIVE MYSELF…(insert required desire)?”

Do I want to give myself awesome sex?

Do I want to give myself an amazing relationship?

Do I want to take myself on a date?

Do I want to give myself MORE MONEY?

Do I want to take care of myself?

This question is like a litmus test.

It will show you the truth.

Try it RIGHT NOW.

If your answer was Yes! then it’s awesome. Congrats!

You already probably have what you want and/or on the way of getting it.

If your answer was NO, think why you are not giving yourself what you want?  What is it about you that prevents you from giving it to yourself?

In my experience, the person you imagine in front of you is lacking in some way.  She doesn’t like good enough.  She doesn’t feel right.  And so on.

It’s uncomfortable to give yourself stuff in your imagination.

If the answer is No, then practice doing this exercise every day and giving yourself in your imagination what you require.  Practice accepting it in your mind.  See yourself opening up to what you want and need.

If nothing is working, or you want more guidance and loving insight, then I invite you to book a discovery session with me (with FREE distance scanning of your most important areas).

“I can’t force myself to do something. I am procrastinating and I feel shame.”

I’ve had quite a few requests to work with procrastination. 

Suitable for bloggers, writers, creatives and anyone really who is in the “showing your work” type of work.  

This is a mash up of client stories…

I’ve worked with them using Transformation of Perception Filters.  

So the problem is usually “I can’t force myself to do something.  I know I must do it. I feel shame, but I am procrastinating. I feel guilty.  I feel this and that”

The underlying feeling is hopelessness, uselessness and lack of purpose.  

So you deal with those feelings…

And the truth is they usually come from thoughts and beliefs about oneself

I am not good enough

What I do is not good enough

It’s hard

YOU MUST DO THIS !

I feel trapped – 

I want to get rid of this…

Pressure

Feeling incompetent

Silly

I am a small author

It sucks!

I am nothing, I am a fraud, false

I can’t do it again

It’s just a coincidence

She didn’t want THAT kind of success…posting pictures of cats…she wanted to be taken seriously

So there was judgement on people who were only interested in that kind of content…

Felt like a circus lion

Useless stuff

My opinion doesn’t matter

If I can’t do it my way, why do it at all?

After the session she had a feeling 

“This is who I am”

“It’s me”

“It has its good qualities”

“I do my work with love”

“It’s not a one time success”

As far as I know usual practices make you go to thoughts…

You go to thoughts…I am a fraud and you choose a better feeling thought CBT asks you to analyze “Is it true?”

But I say, go into the feelings of hopelessness etc that these thoughts cause…

Vipassana meditation and any other meditation really asks you to sit with those thoughts and feelings. And just be with them…but tis hard even for advanced practitioners…

EFT asks you to feel a feeling but there is a distraction process sometimes and you don’t fully…you can’t always fully verbalize what it is that you are tapping…

Sometimes you can say “I accept this feeling” and it works too.  

But TFP asks you to find a filter – a name for that feeling.

And it has its magic…

Once you call something forth – It becomes…it becomes live but it also disappears because in a way you named it, accepted it and made it yours, you stopped running away from it and you integrated it and you became whole.  

How To Create An Amazing Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law

Terrible mothers-in-law can be the bane of woman’s existence.

However, if you know a thing or two about psychology and the energetic laws, you will realize that this woman is not in your life just because you are so unlucky.

Mother-in-law who is abusive and constantly violates your boundaries is there for you to understand your victim mentality and to learn how to protect your boundaries.

So it’s up to you to learn to stand up for yourself.

Cold war and violent conflicts don’t count as protecting your boundaries.  There is no need.

Rule #1: Let go of Victim mentality.

Everything can be done INTERNALLY.

If you want to know how, sign up for your FREE discovery session and we can talk about it.

It’s the same story with the horrible bosses, abusive husbands, nasty co-workers.  When you have a victim mentality, victim feelings and inner image of someone who’s been wronged, all you gonna attract in life with that mindset and feeling-set MORE OPPORTUNITIES to feel all THOSE VICTIM FEELINGS.

No amount of complaining or petitions or fighting will change situation.

It will always come back in some other form.

Life/Universe/God always wants you to heal and to know WHO YOU ARE FOR REALZ.

You are Son/Daughter of God. Means you are MAJESTIC AND POWERFUL.

So quit thinking of yourself as a victim.

That way everyone wins.

Rule #2: Respect your elders

But first of all, regardless of how terrible your Mother-in-law is, deep inside you should hold her in high regard.  In your mind and in your thoughts there should be only respect towards a woman who took care of your man for years and years and made him who he is today.  If you are not too happy with your man for that reason, oh well, that’s another story.

But if you are happy and he is amazing “if it wasn’t for his mother”, definitely I can help.

So why do you have to respect his mother?

On the energetic level, regardless of how good or bad you think the elders are, they must be respected and even revered. 

Watch “Mulan” and “Black Panther”. 

These two movies show case this rule.  Even if you don’t believe in it, there are certain laws.  When they are violated, the consequences are terrible.

Read about Family Constellations theory.  I won’t go into details here.  But it explains a lot as to why there are certain hierarchies and how they should be handled.  A lot of grief and pain could be avoided just by being respectful and “knowing your place.”

Besides on the energetic level, we are all connected. So your Mother-in-law definitely feels how YOU REALLY feel about her.  And if you create all those negative feelings towards her, why should she make it easy for you in return?

Change those feelings, change your relationship.

Rule #3: Resolve and accept your aggression

Victim always attracts a Tyrant.

I will  talk about Karpman’s drama triangle in depth in another article.  But for now, just learn this, victim will attract a tyrant.  And a saviour.  But after some time everyone in that triangle WILL SWITCH ROLES.

At some point, victim switches roles and becomes a tyrant.  In fact, tyrant lives in the shadows’ of any Victim (myself included).  There is no white without black.  If you think you are Mary’s little lamb, think again.

I used to wonder too “why do bad things happen to good people?”

When I started working with the ladies, I knew that deep inside, a lot of them carried a lot of aggressive thoughts and behaviours, unexpressed and suppressed anger, hatred and humiliation.  All those emotions don’t go anywhere.

Anywhere you go, there you are.  With all your shit baggage.

Ain’t no going around that.

Please, do yourself a favour and if you don’t want to turn into a tyrant one day…I was gonna say “get rid of the Victim” but caught myself in time :))

Just integrate her. Love her.

How to improve your relationship with your husband instantaneously?

When relationship goes sour, what happens at that moment?

Close your eyes for a moment and think back about your recent conflict or situation that was not pleasant for you.

Look at your man, look at yourself and look at conflict.

And sense that in that conflict there is a sense of destructive energy. 

And we are sending that destructive energy, anxiety, pain, fear to our loved ones.  Maybe something set you off, something has happened.  You might “see” on your internal screen some people from your past.

When we argue, we quite often bring in past energies, past mistakes, errors, fears from past relationships (including the ones with our parents).  So there is you, him and a bunch of other people in the room energetically.

And so it feels heavy.

What can you do?

Let’s imagine, your husband came home.  And you think and realize that right now my body is pure.  There is cleanliness and freshness and innocence.  There are no girlfriends, mothers, bosses, work related stuff.  You are inside yourself and it’s only you and your energy.  There is only light and love and fluffiness.  You are the person that your man fell in love with.  Just relax and think well about yourself and about him.

Think about your purity.  

Come up to your man and think about him only as he is right now.  Your Man.  Bring out Your Man.  Be the woman who calls out real him.  And for that, your energy should be pure.  Only you.  

You want to create attraction in him.  

Place a hand on his chest and place another hand on his back.

And feel that energy and feel that right now IN YOUR HANDS is Your Man. He is accumulating his masculine energy as you hold him in your hands.  In his field, in his energy there is only him.  And it means you see him as he is.  

And you don’t have to explain anything to him.  But if your energy will be right, he will feel it and he might even kiss your hand.  He will see your beautiful eyes, he will feel your beautiful soul that sees Him.  

And in this moment, there will be a shift.  

Tell me about your results.

Thank you for reading! 

Love, 

Lira