Have you ever had that feeling during sex when you are completely at the peak of your sensual experience during sex and yet, there is something that prevents you from completely letting go and diving into the abyss?
IS IT NORMAL?
Yes, it absolutely is normal. In fact, everyone has problems in this arena at some point in life. And everything we go through, we are not “unique” and we are not the only ones suffering. We are all normal like that.
It’s very normal to have difficulties with orgasm when you are just starting out in the sexual arena. And even later in life too. It’s a completely new territory and it takes some time to be so completely open to new sensations and perceptions. Especially if you have not been sexually active or have not masturbated much.
There are two scenarios:
I noticed the following commonalities in the questions about orgasm: the average age is between 18-24 years. You are in a new relationship less than a year old.
Enjoying sex with their boyfriends and yet worried that they can’t achieve an orgasm while enjoying intimacy and sex.
If that’s you, keep reading because your problem is not really a problem. All you need is time and more foreplay.
As you become more comfortable with your sexuality and your partner, and let go of the performance pressure and anxiety to please your boyfriend, you will feel more relaxed and secure.
Instead of re-assuring him of his sexual prowess, focus on yourself and your pleasure. Spend time exploring your body and focus on being present in the moment.
She is unable to let herself go with her man. When the sensations become too intense, she asks him to stop.
She can’t fully relax in the presence of another even if she says she feels comfortable and relaxed with him. There is an element of self-consciousness.
She can’t achieve orgasm by herself because she is afraid to let go and she can’t let go together with the partner either but she is getting pretty close each time. That’s more to do with your beliefs and unconscious programming.
This scenario is a bit different because the lady in question has had orgasm but every time she has it, she feels sad, depressed and not joyful at all. Which is why she might unconsciously try and block it. But it’s a bit of a different case so I will write a separate post for that.
Below are general recommendations that will work for anyone.
RELAX AND TAKE YOUR TIME
Gurls! You think you have a problem not able to have an orgasm 4 months into a relationship? Some ladies have not had it for years. Particularly, if you are after vaginal orgasm.
If you have just started your sexual life, give your body some time. It’s like a practice. Your nerve endings of the vagina need to get used to it. There will be another article about it. Because nerve endings are like sleeping beauty.
Learn relaxation techniques and practice them regularly. For instance, meditation has been proven to improve orgasm and sensual experience in women after 8 weeks of practice. Why is it good? Because you learn to be present.
Worrying and being frustrated that you have not experienced orgasm, is only pushing it back. Don’t try and will yourself into this. Take more time and grow in intimacy and don’t rush.
TAKE AMPLE TIME TO DISCOVER WHAT TURNS YOU ON
Quit focusing on achieving orgasm and focus instead on feeling various sensuous feelings and pleasure in general from touch, smell, taste and other sensory lushness.
Some of the advice I’ve seen
- Try it in the dark so you don’t feel so self-conscious or tie a cover around HIS eyes so he doesn’t see you come.
- Try it a little bit drunk so that you are more relaxed and the controlling mind is less severe.
- Try it like a marathon, with an act of curiosity.
- Try it like a research scientist and a novelty seeking explorer what is behind that tension? Like with a sense of curiosity…
Why would number 1 work?
Laugh all you want but if you are close to orgasm and you stop yourself it gotta be with feeling out of control and wanting to save your face.
O-face can be quite weird, and perhaps you are afraid that during orgasm, when you “lose control”, you may present yourself in a weird way?
BEING VULNERABLE AND BASICALLY YOURSELF IN FRONT OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
Embarassment may come from not wanting to look like a semi-deranged psycho thrashing around in the throes of orgasm that the movies portray sex and orgasm like so dramatically…
Remember this scene from “Amelie”? French have more fun because they don’t care.
Orgasmic contractions are actually seizures. Physiologically they follow the same pattern.
How you think you look during sex is not important. Women need to understand that. Because men are so excited to be having sex, to be in bed with you that they don’t care.
If you want to take a bold step into the unknown, instead of covering his eyes, do the opposite.
Pleasure yourself in front of your partner, the way you would if you were alone. Then you can ask him to pleasure you in the same way. The idea is becoming used to someone else being there and observing you. Opening up to the intimacy of another human being watching you in your vulnerable moment.
Make sure you use protection so that you are not worried about getting pregnant and worrying that you need to “control” your partner just in case he loses control…
It might be an indication of a larger need for control and not trusting your man to do his job. This is prevalent not only in sex. Some women tell me
JOURNAL YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS
You may feel comfortable with YOUR guy but I suggest, do some digging around about “trust” and “men” in general. Because even if your boyfriend is super awesome and the love is real… he still belongs to the “Men” category. If your mom or dad used to say “men are dogs” and “don’t trust men”, it will affect your comfort level with men in general, and your man in particular.
Journal and discover your secret fears or worries of what might happen if you experience orgasm in front of your man…
The subconscious mind is a wondrous thing and it can be some weird thought that got stuck in the head somewhere about “only experiencing orgasm with your one true love.”
Only by truly digging around in your thoughts and feelings about having orgasm in front of your guy and losing control, you might be able to let go some of that need to be super vigilant.
Use all of the above advice and also journal about what do you think orgasm is and what do you feel will happen and see if there are any fears and beliefs how it’s similar to dying or losing control.
In 7 Factors Affecting Orgasm in Women by Dr.Robert Firestone,
I find the last two points the most poignant.
Fear of loss of control: Women who rely heavily upon maintaining control as a self-protective defense mechanism are prone to be resistive to a freely expressive sexual encounter. This can show up in an overall fear of losing control or in more specific fears, such as fears of making noise or moving, or even fears of urinating or defecating when letting go. Control is related to existential issues of life and death.
Faced with issues of death anxiety, people tend to detach themselves from their animal nature and disconnect from a body that they know is mortal. This dissociation can inhibit feeling pleasurable responses in the here and now interaction during sex.
I would also ask the following:
- Do you drink alcohol or any mind-altering drugs or do you avoid them for the fear of losing control?
- Do you tend to overthink and to overanalyse certain situations?
- Do you know how to relax?
- Do you trust your partner? Do you trust men in general?
- What were your mothers and grandmothers views about men?
- Do you have BIG EGO? Are you proud and quite arrogant?
- Are you afraid of death and dying? Or on the scale of 1 to 10, how badly are you afraid of dying?
- What do you think orgasm is and what it is not?
- What are your views on pleasure and receiving pleasure in general?
What’s the worst that might happen?
In any case, for all the women out there, think about the following questions and how they might impact your sex life? Actually take out a notebook and write the answers down preferably as fast as you can so that the controlling logical part doesn’t have time to analyse and interfere and you get the real gist from your body.
Pay attention to your feelings.
All I am saying is don’t rush into faking orgasms because it’s a slippery slope from there. Don’t rob yourself of the orgasmic experience and don’t rub your partner from seeing you truly enjoy yourself instead of faking it for the fear of hurting his pride. Men are wonderful and resilient and they will wait for as long as you need. Just don’t lie for the sake of their pride.
To your pleasure,